I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
