I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
