i permit you to call me
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize