Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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