i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you inspire me to be a worse person
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
