I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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