So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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