I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
