I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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