I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
