I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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