Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize