look no pants
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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