Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
