My cat gives me a boner
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
