At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
