two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
God I need to hump something, right now.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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