I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
