Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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