My girlfriend figured out who you are.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
