My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
