i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
