i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Michael Bay diarrhea
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It's never too late to be topless.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
