My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
