I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
