he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
