So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
