I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize
