It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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