I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
