Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
