you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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