sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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