hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
