I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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