I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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