the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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