The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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