what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
