My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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