jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
