He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
