Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
