I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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