I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
