How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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