nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
