Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
