I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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