My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Dick very happy bro
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
