Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
