I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
