did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
