just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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