a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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