kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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