I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
