Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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