If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
