ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
