I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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