you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
