im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
